31.01.2012, 20:30
palblog :: Blast from the Past #465: March 18, 2005: Re: Revised final of 112 ("New World Order, Part One"), and March 20, 2005: Fwd: comments on outlines for 115 ("Past and Present"), 116 ("Enter the
Subj: Re: Revised final of 112 ("New World Order, Part One")
Date: Friday, March 18, 2005 11:59:38 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the Ep. 112 final.
1.) Re: the following:
"
**RAPHAEL
Yeah, that was my dream. There were all these funny lines. And then, she was at the mercy of the Shredder!
ON DONNY, cautiously adding to the narrative.
***DONATELLO
I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show … like an alternate universe … but worse."
It's nice that my suggestion to have Don compare his nightmare to his experience in the Shredder-ruled alternate universe he was sent to in "Same As It Never Was" was considered, but the way it is rendered here misses the point. My idea was not that Don compare this nightmare to just "... AN alternate universe", but to THE alternate universe he was sent to. Here, his comparison of his nightmare to an alternate universe just seems weird and pointless.
Here's a suggestion:
"DONATELLO
I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show … sort of like that alternate universe that Ultimate Draco blasted me into… but worse. (Don pauses, shivers.) If that's possible..."
2.) Re: the following:
"
*KARAI and SHREDDER move toward each other. Shredder’s hand glows with DARK MYSTIC ENERGY. KARAI rears back with her GAUNTLET-CLAW, preparing to strike a blow.
*ON the Turtles, weapons raised, as MYSTICS advance on them.
***RAPHAEL
Tell me again why saving Karai is such a good idea?
***LEONARDO
Obviously … it’s not."
Those last two lines are better than what they replaced, but it's still a little flat. I think it is so this time because Leo's "Obviously... it's not" line is, well, OBVIOUS (and a little superfluous)! Maybe we should just take his line out and end on Raph's ironic/sarcastic one.
-- Pete
Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 28.09.2012 в 15:42.
Причина: лишнее