palblog :: Blast from the Past #347: November 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1"), Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline, and , Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft :: 3
Subj: Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:47:11 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Here are my comments on the Ep. 101 second draft.
1.) Re: the following:
Well, no. This outbreak is way more than four turtles can handle -
INCLUDE MIKEY – lifting his three fingers, his eyes widen.
THREE Turtles…and countin…
Mike's line seems totally superfluous and unfunny to me (and why do "his eyes widen"?). I'd lose it, and change Leo's line to "Well, no. This outbreak is way more than we can handle."
2.) Re: the following:
"WIDER - the BIGGER, BADDER LOBSTER at LEO like a tarantula, knocking the katana out of his hand and knocking Leo onto his shell, landing on Leo’s plastron.
BIT CLOSER - Leo blocks the lobster with his shooter. There’s a . With his free hand, Leo grabs his SHELL CELL.
Leo answering the phone in the middle of a fight is just painfully dopey.
3.) Re: the following:
I had your brain recovered from the bottom of New York’s East River. It was lying there…lifeless, after your misguided sabbatical.
"Lifeless"? So now Bishop can bring people back from the dead?
4.) Re: the following:
"UP ANGLE ON THE STAIRWELL LEADING TO KIRBY’S ROOM - April and Casey race down it - AT AND PAST CAMERA. Monster Don , its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth as it runs after them AT AND PAST CAMERA.
"Its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth"...? Seems very silly.
5.) Re: the following:
"MONSTER DON’S POV – Casey and April, terrified, clutch themselves as the footsteps of Don continue toward them. They back up more and more, past the door to Kirby’s room. Don moves directly in front of the door.
April! I think this is really “it”!
I can’t believe it’s going to end like this!!!
Hmm... April and Casey "clutch themselves"? Does the writer actually intend that they should clutch EACH OTHER? This is a dopey bit -- it seems really silly that Casey and April would give up like this. At the very least Casey should prepare to make a heroic gesture such as attacking Monster Don to distract him long enough for April to escape.
6.) Re: the following:
"APRIL drives wearing a HEADSET. Beside her CASEY holds a TRACKER. It’s . Through the window we see STREET SCENERY. An is heard through April’s headset.
We’re getting a Don reading - he’s headed towards Central Park. Still underground, but it looks like he’s making his way to your new home.
How, exactly, is April able to track Monster Don?
7.) Re: the following:
We’re coming on the lair, and Don IS CLOSE, REAL CLOSE, about 50 feet ahead! Someone will need to lure him to us while we set up the containment unit.
First, there's an "on" missing in the first part of the first line -- it should read "We're coming up on the lair..." Second, let's not insult the intelligence of our viewers -- I think people will realize that fifty feet is close without having Leo go "CLOSE, REAL CLOSE".
8.) Re: the following:
"ON THE CONTAINMENT UNIT – the front doors swing open releasing a strong gust of SUCTION WIND accompanied by .
WIDE ON TUNNEL – Monster Don staggers in the direction of the open doors. The suction from the trap pulls a resistant Monster Don towards it and sucks Monster Don into the trap
"Suction wind"? Oh my God. Let's just have Leatherhead force/throw Don into the trap.
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Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 17.10.2012 в 22:11.