palblog :: Blast from the Past #347: November 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1"), Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline, and , Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft :: 3
Subj: Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1")
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:44:58 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Here are my comments on EP. 102 second(?) draft. This is labeled as "second draft", but is it really the first draft?
1.) Re: the following:
No, but I can help you get it… for a price. The bio-tech is encoded in a crystal… I believe you’re familiar with the organization that holds it."
I'd like it if we could find another way to refer to Karai's artifact rather than as a "crystal", just to avoid confusion with the other crystals (from the Underground) which have featured prominently in this series.
2.) Re: the following:
Donatello’s condition may be worse than we thought. The added effect of the outbreak strain is reacting violently with the Utrom mutagen in his blood.
As it seems awkward and superfluous, I would take out "added effect of the" in Leatherhead's second line.
3.) Re: the following:
And if someone created it… they can un-create it.
A somewhat silly presumption from Leo. I think instead he should say:
And if someone created it… maybe they can un-create it.
4.) Re: the following:
This is where Bishop is?!? Area 51 is… it’s the heart of darkness! UFO Central! The nexus of weirdness!!
Raph appears from behind, tucking his sai into his belt, getting ready.
Then you’ll fit right in, weirdo.
I like Raph's line, but I think ending it with "weirdo" is gilding the lily.
5.) Re: the following:
Not exactly, Michelangelo. We detected the helicopter as it approached, yes – because it’s MY helicopter. Dr. Stockman took it to New York on his ill fated trip.
WIDER on BISHOP, as STOCKMAN enters the light from behind Bishop.
ON THE TURTLES, surprised.
You have got to be kidding!
When I first read this, I thought Raph's "You have got to be kidding!" line was referring to Bishop's saying that the helicopter was Stockman's... which didn't make much sense. I realize now that he is in fact reacting to seeing Stockman, but I wonder if we could make that clearer by changing Raph's line as follows:
Stockman -- ?! You have got to be kidding!"
6.) Re: the following:
Better you had left in the river than this.
This line seems to be missing a word or two.
7.) Re: the following:
But not for free. I would require… a favor.
"Favor" doesn't seem to be the right word here.
8.) Re: the following:
There’s gotta be another way. What happened to the ‘beat it out of him’ plan?
We can’t make a deal with Bishop… Don’s in trouble because of him! AND he tried to dissect us!
CLOSER on LEO, staring at Bishop.
CLOSE ON BISHOP, returning the gaze. Unreadable.
BACK ON LEO, his decision made.
It may be a deal with the devil, but what choice do we have?
Raph's got a good point. What DID happen to the original "beat it out of him" plan? What exactly has happened to change that plan? Why is Leo saying that they have no other choice?
Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 17.10.2012 в 22:13.