palblog :: Blast from the Past #318: August 3, 2004: comments on Ep. 87 ("Aliens Among Us")first draft, notes on EP. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") premise, and comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") premise
Subj: comments on Ep. 87 first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 12:50:07 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Here are my comments on Ep. 87 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
Heads up! The Eagle is on the move!"
No real problem with "Eagle", but I wonder if it might be fun to use one of the actual codenames used for the President which is kind of silly-sounding -- "POTUS", for President Of The United States. (And as I read further, I see that Bishop actually uses this codename.)
2.) Re: the following:
I should be a secret service agent.
What would the secret be? Your smell?"
I think this is a good place for a joke, but Mikey's here is LAME, and really makes no sense. Maybe he should say something like "I think you'd have a little trouble with the height requirement, Raph!" That's not great, but at least it's not inane. Or maybe it should have something to do with "standing out in a crowd", which Raph would and which is a big no-no for the Secret Service.
3.) Re: the following:
Don… you don’t think… could this be the Shredder?"
Leo's question seems very strange to me (plus the line is superfluous). Why would he leap to that conclusion? As far as I can see, there is nothing about what they are seeing that screams "Shredder".
4.) I wonder if it would be handy if the Secret Service agents who are driving the President around are actually "plants" -- Bishop's men -- as their staged reactions might help to enhance the illusion of reality for the "alien" attack. To set it up, we might show these guys with Bishop earlier on.
5.) When the "alien" ships show up, I think it would be a perfect moment for someone (maybe the cabdriver mentioned in that scene) to groan out "Not again...!" (referring, of course, to the Triceraton invasion in season 3).
6.) Re: the following:
Hey, the parameters were scary, able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list. The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."
I don't think Stockman would say "Hey"... and "the parameters were scary" seems off too. "Scary"? Doesn't seem like a way Stockman would describe something. I might suggest changing it as follows:
Your parameters were to make them able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list. The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."
7.) Re: the following:
"WIDE ON THE SKY – the Saucer begins to slowly drift away, while the dozens of other ships in the distance stay still. An AIR FORCE JET streaks into FRAME from behind CAMERA, firing its , but the shots are stopped by a shimmering FORCE FIELD which appears when hit (only when hit)."
Would the Air Force jet fire on a ship which has just kidnapped the President?
8.) Re: the following:
Are you that whacked in the head? The only place you’re going is pain-ville."
A minor point, but I think it's "wacked" (as in "wacky"), not "whacked".
9.) I'm overall quite pleased with the way this one turned out.
Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 02.11.2012 в 22:02.