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   23.03.2009, 07:20  
Серия 19 "Insane In The Membrane" [97] [c03s04e19, c03e097]
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ID:	21623"Insane In The Membrane" / "Безумец в клетке"


Автор сценария: Mathew Drdek
Премьера: в Северной Америке не выходила
Главный продюсер: Lloyd Goldfine
Продюсеры: Gary Richardson, Frederick U. Fierst, Al Kahn, Norman Grossfeld, Thomas Kenney
Режиссер: Roy Burdine
Сценарист: Lloyd Goldfine

Основные персонажи: Donatello (Sam Regal), Leonardo (Michael Sinterniklaas), Michelangelo (Wayne Grayson), Raphael (John Campbell)
Персонажи второго плана: April O'Neil, Casey Jones, Bishop, Baxter Stockman
Местоположения и техника: Bishop's Headquarters, April's Apartment, City Subway Tunnels, TMNT Lair, Stocktronics Abandoned Laboratory, Cable Car above the East River, New Battle Shell


Полная версия сюжета на английском языке (под спойлером):
 
Intro: Baxter Stockman narrates as we open in his lab at Bishop's Area 51 headquarters. Stockman is remembering the horrible train of events that destroyed his human form. Flashing back from the days when he worked on mousers with April O’Neil to the time that he was dragged away by Hun, until we finally see his most recent incarnation: a brain floating in a tank with a holographic head broadcast above it. Cut back to present day as we see that Stockman has now created a new body for himself: except something has gone terribly wrong and he's looking for vengeance...

Act 1: Open in a subway tunnel as the Turtles are trying to control the outbreak of mutant monsters. The Gang Green round up some giant toads and tranquilize them (use of their signature weapons could cause the outbreak to get worse). After Don has a close call with a subway train, Leo calls it a night and our heroes head for home.

Cut to Stockman’s lab at Bishop's HQ as he works vigorously on his newly cloned body. Bishop enters to warn Stockman against using the potentially dangerous body (Baxter has used the same genetic accelerants on this body that he used to create the phony aliens that caused the mutant outbreak). The brilliant but misguided scientist ignores Bishop and proceeds with the transfer of his consciousness from his living brain into the clone body.

Once the transfer is initiated, Stockman begins to dream of his past. We see Baxter as a child in his mother's kitchen where he's about to conduct a disturbing experiment on a cockroach. Before the bug is subjected to Stockman's test, Baxter's mother comes home and gives the boy a chemistry kit that he had been asking for. We discover that Baxter has a very close relationship with his doting and proud mother. Young Stockman asks his mamma to play with him, but she has to work a double shift to pay the bills. As the woman bids her pride and joy farewell, Baxter cheerfully decides to let the bug go.

Cut to Stockman’s lab in the present where we see the mind transfer is complete and successful. Stockman is back, and in the flesh!

Act 2: Open as Stockman enjoys the freedoms and sensations of his new body as he walks with Bishop. Suddenly, the flesh in Baxter's arm begins to ripple. Stockman is slightly unnerved and he decides to run some precautionary tests. Baxter works late into the night until he falls asleep. Once again the scientist dreams about his mother, who heaps praise upon the man and then asks him to bandage his finger. When Stockman awakens, one of his fingers shrivels and falls off, leaving a gooey stub!

Next is a montage of images as Stockman spends a week in his lab conducting tests. As time passes, Baxter ’s body continues to decompose at a frightening rate. Refusing to go back to being a brain in a jar, Stockman continues to run tests on his body and make repairs - but nothing is working and his mind is now beginning to fail. Stockman begins to ponder over the events leading up to his current horrifying situation. Baxter deduces that everything is April O’Neil’s fault, as she was the one who brought the Turtles into the picture. With that, Stockman grabs a tranquilizer gun and exits.

Cut to April’s apartment where she's watching TV with Casey Jones. There's a knock on the door and Casey rises to answer it - only to be met by a shattering door and a crazed Baxter Stockman bent on revenge! The mad doctor knocks out Casey Jones and then shoots April with the tranq-gun. Stockman flings O'Neil over his shoulder and exits, laughing maniacally.

Act 3: Open with in the Turtle Lair as Donatello unveils the new Battle Shell, which is now disguised as a moving van. Casey calls on the Shell Cell and informs his friends that Stockman has taken April. The Turtles pile into their new vehicle and burn rubber.

Cut to the now abandoned Stocktronics building as Baxter arrives with April. Stockman turns on the power and drops April to the floor, promising to punish her. Suddenly, Stockman goes into another hallucination where he envisions his mother on her death bed. Baxter is still very young and begs her not to leave him, but tragically the woman dies of exhaustion. Baxter cries out for his mama, which awakens April. Stockman snaps out of his dream, but he's now hallucinating that he's back in his lab working with April on the Mouser project. Baxter begins to give orders to April, who tries to sneak off. Suddenly, Casey and the Turtles burst in and break the spell - upon seeing the TMNT, Baxter snaps back to the present and a fight erupts. April escapes and seeks refuge in a cable car that begins a long journey across the East River.

Stockman escapes from the Turtles and chases O'Neil. The TMNT and Casey hit the streets, but there's no sign of friend or foe. Don spots the helicopter that Stockman used to travel here and our heroes climb onboard and take off.

Meanwhile, April collapses onto the seats of the gondola and breathes a heavy sigh of relief thinking that she's safe … but Stockman isn’t far behind, and he soon catches up by climbing hand over hand on the cable. The mad doctor reaches the gondola, rips open the roof and leaps into the car. Stockman has April trapped!

Act 4: Open as Stockman is about to grab April. Suddenly, Casey, Mike, Don, Raph and Leo arrive in the helicopter. Don mans the controls as the others slide down a rope to help April. As our heroes battle Stockman, April tries to flee by climbing up the gondola to the cable. Stockman once again escapes from the TMNT and is able to grab April and toss her down onto the roof of the cable car. The Turtles and Casey intervene again as Don drops a new rope. All of our heroes get onto the escape line, but April is last and before Donatello can get away, Baxter grabs her ankle and pulls her off. The helicopter veers off with all of the Turtles and Casey in tow, leaving April alone with Stockman!

The crazed scientist closes in on his prey and April begins to plead for her life - telling Stockman how she used to admire him for being so brilliant and full of potential. O'Neil begs her former employer to become that man again. Baxter goes into another hallucination and envisions April as his mamma. The gondola suddenly begins to lurch from all of the damage that it's taken - the car is definitely going to fall! Stockman, still seeing April as his mother, states that it's too dangerous for her here and that she has to get away. Don maneuvers the chopper into place and Casey (still on the rope) reaches out for April. Baxter holds her up and givers her to Jones!

With that, the gondola breaks free from the support cable and Stockman falls screaming into the East River.

As the Turtles, April, and Casey climb into the chopper they wonder if they've seen the last of Baxter Stockman. Leonardo states that he's survived worse than this. Raph growls good riddance to the mad doctor and notes that all he's ever given them is grief. Don looks over his shoulder as he pilots the helicopter and smiles, noting that Baxter gave them this cool new vehicle. Donny than ponders where he'll be able to park the chopper as our heroes fly towards the city.

NOTE: While this episode did not air in North America, it was aired in Australia and some other countries (it's available to North Americans on the Season 4 DVD). TMNT cartoon series producer Lloyd Goldfine sent in the following info regarding why the episode did not air on 4Kids TV in the USA or Canada:

"The final edited and mixed version of the notorious 'Insane in the Membrane' was deemed unsuitable for air by Fox Broadcast Standards and Practices. Apparently, in between the time the episode was written, story boarded, animated and edited (all stages approved by Fox BS&P), and the time the show was mixed for air, there was a change of personnel in the Fox BS&P offices, and no one involved in the original approvals was still employed at Fox. Upon seeing the episode, they were said to be 'horrified' and that there was no way they could air the episode. I'm not sure I disagree with them - had there been BS&P comments earlier in the process, we certainly would have handled the show differently. But as it was approved at every stage, we went full steam ahead. In the end, I was told it was bad judgment on my part... so there you have it."

- Lloyd

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Последний раз редактировалось Casey; 04.09.2017 в 18:23.
Спасибо за пост (1) от: Klunk
05.06.2011, 13:41
Прикольная серия, в первый раз увидел три дня отходил.

Последний раз редактировалось Костя Д.; 05.06.2011 в 13:42. Причина: точку не поставил
14.10.2011, 18:50
palblog :: Blast from the Past #319: August 5, 2004: comments on Ep. 86 second draft, and August 6, 2004: comments on rest of season 4 story arc :: 14.10.2011 18:41





Ep. 97

1.) Is this a "clip" show? I basically like the idea, but I think it needs a lot of work.

2.) Re: the following:


"In a dark and secret place, a group of villains have come together, untied in their hatred of a common enemy. As they list their grievances, we see who these terrible villains are: Malignus, the master of mind control! Mephos, exile of the Avians! The gruesome GarbageMan! Touch and Go? The Entity? "


I'm not too crazy about using Touch and Go here, and wasn't Mephos a prisoner of the Avians the last time we saw him? Maybe Hun would be good in this. Nano? Mr. Marlin?

3.) Re: the following:


"The Justice Force had gotten wind that Malignus was up to something. With the Help of Donatello, they monitored Malignus’ communication traffic. When they realized that he and the other villains were searching for the Turtles, the Turtles made sure to frequent a specific area until the super-villains took the bait!"


That approach or plan seems a bit goofy.

Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 03.11.2012 в 11:09. Причина: лишнее
03.11.2011, 20:10
palblog :: Blast from the Past #328: September 12, 2004: Re: FW: Outline for 95 ("Outbreak"), and September 14, 2004: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane") :: 03.11.2011 20:01






Subj: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 3:16:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 9/14/04 8:35:27 AM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hey Pete –

FYI, we’re planning to pretty seriously re-vamp the premise we sent out for the Justice Force/Bring on the Bad Guys episode. It’s not working out with trying to use past Turtle villains (Mephos, GarbageMan), so we’re thinking of making up a new super villain team (with Malignus still at the helm) that has reason to want to destroy the Justice Force.

Be that as it may, any ideas you have for a big, fun, super-hero super-episode are more than welcome!

Thanks,

LLoyd



Lloyd,

Timing, as they say, is everything. I read this email from you exactly two minutes after I had completed writing up my comments on that premise! Although they might now be useless, I will send them to you anyway (in this email) just in case there is something in them that might be helpful.

-- Pete

comments on Ep. 97 premise

1.) Re: the following:

"Calling cards are sent out … little robotic bugs (from “Turtle Titan”) pay visits on Mephos (helping him break out of his prison cell as the little bug self-destructs blowing a big hole in the wall), the Garbage Man (in his decrepit new hideout half underwater in a sunken/rundown pier), and various super villains (referenced in “Return of the Justice Force”): Grim Repo, Red Menace, Gas Giant, Mr. Destructo, Super Synthesizer and the Living Volcano."

I hope we can make these super villains -- who have only been referenced by name previously -- interesting and cool-looking.
Also, I wondered if it might be fun to do a quick shot of one of these bugs finding Karai (perhaps in her Shredder armor), and she dispatches it quickly with a blade or something, with some kind of pithy line about how she doesn't need allies.
And I just realized that getting Mephos into this story might be a bit problematic -- isn't he being held prisoner in the secret, invisible Avian cloud city? How does Dr. Malignus' bug find and reach him there? I suppose a rationale could be created, but it's tough. I did just flash on an idea which might help to connect Mephos and Malignus -- what if Malignus (with his obvious techno-savvy) had helped Mephos create his crazy metal wings? Okay, now I just thought of another problem -- if Mephos IS on the cloud city when the bug arrives to free him, and he doesn't have any wings, how is he going to get to Earth?

2.) Re: the following:

"Widen still to reveal that Doctor Malignus is in a prison cell safely behind bars. He looks up with a smile. “Guard! Guard!” The guard approaches. “Guard, I think it is time you released me back into society. I have important work to do.”

The guard (a bit zombie-like) bows: “Yes.” And, the guard then unlocks the heavy prison door allowing Malignus to exit.

Upon closer inspection, we see one of the mind control bugs firmly implanted in the back of the prison guard’s neck …"

I wonder if this bit might be more interesting if the guard is not immediately under Malignus' control, but instead begins to respond to Malignus' command to be released with a derisive laugh and a dismissive comment... but then halfway through it the guard stiffens and does the zombie thing... and THAT'S when we see that there is now a mind-control bug on him. Maybe there could even be a quick shot of something (the bug) skittering up his pants leg.

3.) Re: the following:

"Raphael wakes up in the middle of a street. This isn’t an ordinary street. It’s a condemned block. And, Raphael isn’t greeted by anybody ordinary. He finds himself facing Malignus and the horde of super villains. Malignus is ever so happy to see “the Turtle Titan” again.

Raphael ain’t no turtle titan. But, Malignus can’t seem to understand that. He thinks the Turtle Titan is just attempting to be clever. But, that isn’t going to work. The Turtle Titan’s fate is sealed.

Raphael: “Listen whackbag, I ain’t the Turtle Titan!”

But, nobody is listening. Malignus puts his plan into play!

The six (new) super villains make themselves scarce (as part of the plan) and Malignus, GarbageMan and Mephos start to attack Raphael … all of which is being filmed and broadcast for the benefit of the Justice Force.

At the Justice Force Headquarters, the image of Raphael getting the ever-living-crud kicked out of him plays on the viz-screen.

Silver Sentry, Ananda, Metalhead, Tsunami and Chrysalis leap into action!

They arrive on the scene and Malignus feigns surprise. But, his mind control bugs will soon make short work of the Justice Force."

This whole "abandoned block" set up feels kind of goofy. I think there should be a better way of getting the Justice Force into Malignus' trap. (And the JF should KNOW that it's a trap -- I mean, with the broadcast and all it's pretty obvious.) I wonder if it might make more sense, and be cooler (especially because Raph is initially at Malignus' mercy) if Malignus is mind-controlling Raph and thus uses him to get the JF's attention.
Actually, now that I think about it, why does Malignus' mind-controlling bug inject Raph with a "sleeping drug" instead of just mind-controlling him? Doesn't seem to make much sense.
I don't think we've seen a Turtle under the influence of one of Malignus' bugs yet -- might be interesting. Actually, maybe Raph -- while mind-controlled -- could use a shell cel to summon the JF, and thus lead them into the trap. (And when Ananda sets off the EMP device, he is released from the mind control.)

4.) Re: the following:

"Raphael retrieves several of the mind control bugs (that were deactivated earlier) and uses them like shuriken, sticking them to the GarbageMan and one of Mephos’ wings. Then, Raphael attacks Malignus long enough to get his hands on the control device."

Would it make more sense that Raph grabs the control device BEFORE he throws the bugs at Garbageman and Mephos? Also, why should the bug go on one of Mephos' wings? Every time we've seen them so far, they have to be on the back of someone's neck to do their mind-control thing.

5.) Re: the following:

"It looks like the Silver Sentry is about to be wiped out as he’s pinned down by the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes) and the Living Volcano is about to encase the Silver Sentry in a tomb of molten rock!"

From what we have seen of the Silver Sentry so far, I doubt he'd be held down for long by "the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes)".

6.) Re: the following:

" And, GarbageMan stops Living Lava while Mephos frees Silver Sentry and pulls him into the air."

I can't wait to find out how the heck Garbageman is supposed to stop Living Lava.

7.) Re: the following:

"Just then, the other three turtles show up (Mikey is dressed in his Turtle Titan outfit). They picked up the show of Raphael getting beaten up earlier on one of their scanners but it took them longer to find the place than it took the super heroes. It looks like they’re a little late."

As I think we should ditch the 'Raphael fight show" bit, another way to get the Turtles into this is in order. Or... do we really need this scene? Maybe Raph could just find his way back to the lair and say the same lines to Mikey about comic book heroes.

-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 09.11.2012 в 22:07. Причина: лишнее
04.11.2011, 18:20
palblog :: Blast from the Past #329: September 16, 2004: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane"), Re: Ep 92 ("The Ancient One"), Re: Episode 53-78 synopses :: 04.11.2011 18:17






Subj: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 12:46:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here is my comment on the Ep. 97 revised premise.

1.) Re: the following:



The typical problem with "super mind powers" is that they tend to have no limits except for the ones which are convenient to the storytelling, and that inconsistency tends to result in a story full of logic holes. Also, when have we set up Dr. Malignus as someone who has any kind of telekinetic powers, or that his bugs can enhance such powers? As far as I can recall, he has only ever had these mind-control bug robots that can take over an individual and bend him or her to Dr. Malignus' will. This telekinetic power stuff comes out of the blue, and you also have to wonder -- if he has this power at his fingertips, why doesn't he use it from the beginning of the fight?
I'm also not too crazy about the whole "bug taking on a life of its own and burrowing into Malignus' brain" bit -- this also seems to come out of nowhere, and frying his brain and "turning him into a twittering loony" seems a silly way to get rid of a decent villain.
One way I can think of which MIGHT make this work is if the "super mind power" bug is a last-ditch option for Malignus' -- perhaps it's a prototype which even he considers potentially dangerous and unpredictable, and he only uses it as a last resort. I do think that we should not leave Malignus with a ruined brain, as I would like to be able to bring him back at some point.

-- Pete

Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 13.11.2012 в 21:34. Причина: лишнее
06.11.2011, 09:40
Очень классная серия. Хотя эти его (Бакстера) видения как-то не очень сочетаются с образом злого гения.
07.11.2011, 19:17
Ну и правильно а что он же не очень злой он помогал же черепахам ( иногда.)
27.11.2011, 06:30
palblog :: Blast from the Past #337: October 3, 2004 Re: Final on 94 and comments on Ep. 97 outline revised :: 27.11.2011 06:29






Subj: comments on Ep. 97 outline revised
Date: Sunday, October 3, 2004 10:26:36 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Revised Ep. 97 outline.

I'll be frank up front so we don't waste a lot of time -- I really, REALLY don't like this outline.

1.) Re: the following:

"CUT TO the prison as the super villains are delivered and attack the guards. Malignus reveals himself and his plan to destroy the Justice Force with the help of a little alien goo (This was the last piece of the puzzle that he needed for revenge. We will destroy the Justice Force). With it he’s going to get the heroes out of the Fortress of Justice so that they can get in there, and tap into the defense system. He’s going to beat them with their own weapons. "

I hope this makes more sense later on, because at this point it a big mess. "the super villains are delivered " -- what super villains? "Malignus reveals himself and his plan to destroy the Justice Force with the help of a little alien goo" -- from where? What does alien goo have to do with these super villains and this prison at this moment?

2.) Re: the following:

"Inside Mikey is spazzing out over the cool super hero conference table and chairs, the computer monitoring system, the food replicator (makes himself a Super Hero sandwich) and the costume replicator (He makes about eight Turtle Titan costumes for a rainy day. “Okay, I think that’s enough, Mikey.”) "

Is this STAR TREK? "Replicators"? I think we should steer clear of that kind of ultra-high technology, and if we want to do some of this goofy Mikey slapstick, maybe we can have some kind of "automated sandwich (and/or costume) maker" -- a kind of sophisticated computer-controlled machine which -- for example -- can take an order for a ham sandwich, and can cut the ham, slice the bread, assemble the sandwich, squirt mustard on it, and deliver it on a plate.
I also think eight costumes is a bit too much, even for this gag.

3.) Re: the following:

"The heroes arrive at the prison and engage the monster but it’s a fake and a trap. The super villains attack the heroes and it’s almost like they’re trying to get the heroes to use all their powers against them.

Intercut with mounds of formless goo in human-sized canisters (hooked up to Malignus’ helmet slowly taking on the form of the heroes.)

At one point, the super heroes all absorbed by Gas Giant.

At this point the turtles show up … seemingly too late, overwhelmed and facing some seriously bad dudes …

ACT THREE:

The turtles turn the tide of the battle but as they defeat the villains, the villains turn into goo.

Meanwhile, the heroes are apparently walking into the Fortress of Justice … leading the way for Malignus and the real super villains.""

My head is spinning from trying to make sense of all of this. There is so much silliness and illogic in this scenario that I don't know where to begin. I think part of the problem here might be the attempt to connect Malignus and the super villains with the "alien" goo, and it's just not working for me.

4.) Re: the following:

"Inside, Malignus gloats that his victory is at hand as he drains more of the trapped heroes powers"

And he does this HOW?

5.) Re: the following:

"But, Ananda manages to send one of her Domeoids with a “Princess Lea-esque” message: “Help us Turtle Titan, you are our only hope.”"

Oh. My. God.

6.) Re: the following:

"The turtles have to get inside and destroy the main mega computer’s core. The domeoid shows the turtles a “backdoor” into the Fortress through the sewers."

Well, isn't THAT convenient? What a great security system the Justice Force have!

7.) Re: the following:

"The Turtle Titan starts popping up everywhere (“I’m over here!” “No, I’m over here!” And the various “Turtle Titans” with their “super speed” and seeming “teleportation power” draw the villains away from the computer’s core allowing Donatello (also a Turtle Titan) a chance to slip in with the domeoid."

I am speechless. This is TOTALLY inane.

8.) I strongly suggest that we either (a) trash this outline and start from scratch, or (b) forget this story idea.

-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 09.10.2012 в 22:27. Причина: лишнее
09.12.2011, 20:10
palblog :: Blast from the Past #340: October 16, 2004: comments on EP. 97 first draft :: 09.12.2011 20:03







Subj: comments on EP. 97 first draft
Date: Saturday, October 16, 2004 12:38:11 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 97 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"FLASH CUT TO:
ON STOCKMAN as his most recent incarnation: a brain in a floating tank with a holographic face.
STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was nothing."

I wonder if "nothing" is appropriate here... especially because I think Stockman would consider his brain his most important part. Here are a couple of different options:

" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was almost nothing."

" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was nearly nothing."

" STOCKMAN (VO)
Until I was reduced to my last -- but most important -- component."

2.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (VO)
But I don’t hold those thugs accountable anymore. I’ve finally realized who truly deserves the blame. Where all of this really started! And now I’m going to use my brilliance… my genius…my new body…and get even!"

While "thugs" is certainly appropriate, perhaps a word like "cretins" would sound more Stockman-like.

3.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
No reason? Your genetic miscalculations have caused an outbreak in New York that’s turned the city into a cesspool of mutations of nature! "

I think "of nature" is somewhat redundant, and also throws off the rhythm of the line. I would lose it.

4.) Re: the following:

"Stockman turns around to face Bishop and pulls out a vile filled with a bright red liquid compound."

Maybe it is "vile", but it definitely is A "vial".

5.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
Oh, I wish I could, honey. But Momma’s gotta work tonight.
WIDE – Little Stockman’s body slumps, disappointed. Momma crouches to his level.
MOMMA (CONT’D)
Tell you what, though. I’ll wake you up when I get home and we can play then, okay?"

There's nothing particularly wrong with this, but I do think this scene reinforces the common stereotype that every black mother had to work several jobs to keep bread on the table. I would prefer it if we gave her some other, equally valid reason for going out at night -- maybe she's a member of a book club, or she's going to a political rally, or she's attending night school, or something like that.

6.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO (OC)
Whoa! And that train’s gonna get ‘im both! "

Minor point, but it should be "'em" (them), not "'im" (him).

7.) Re: the following:

"INT. DESERT – AREA 51 – DAY
WIDE – Stockman strolls out of Bishop’s base with his arms leisurely behind him and revels in the glorious desert landscape.
STOCKMAN
Oh, how I’ve missed this. The sights. The smells! The tastes!
CLOSE - Stockman pulls out an ice cream cone. He savors a lick. Then, a cool breeze comes through. A look of pleasant surprise appears on his face. He looks down to his arm and from his POV we see that his arms have tiny goose-bumps."

Where does Stockman "pull out an ice cream cone" from? He's apparently at Bishop's base in the middle of the desert... do they have an ice cream bar there? Or is this ice cream part of his Shredder hallucination?

8.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
I’m sorry about all that noise, baby doll. You’re Daddy’s just in a foul mood tonight. But I want you to know how proud your Momma is of you. Getting into the University at just 14 years old!
Gently, Momma strokes Stockman’s face, relaxing him.
MOMMA (CONT’D)
Your Daddy had his reasons for taking that scholarship money…but I’ll find a way to pay your tuition somehow because my baby’s gonna make it. You can make it!"

I'm not crazy about the stereotype of the abusive black father, either. As the real point of these flash backs is to show that Baxter loved his mother and she loved him, I don't see why these cliches have to be part of this backstory.

9.) Re: the following:

"A calendar with flip pages SUPERIMPOSES itself over the terrified Stockman and begins and flips a few pages to indicate the passing of a few days."

Nothing particularly wrong with this, but it is an old cliche -- would it make more sense to update it with some kind of digital readout or display (perhaps something we see earlier on in Stockman's lab)?

10.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON HUN – he’s pointing a hot poker towards the camera.
HUN
Say, “ahhh”…"

I know we've never actually specified HOW Stockman has suffered his various injuries at the hands of Hun and/or the Shredder, this one seems a little weird -- "say "ahhh"" usually means "open your mouth". Why would Hun be sticking a red hot poker in Stockman's mouth? Maybe we don't need Hun to say anything here, or he could just chuckle evilly ("Heh, heh...").

11.) A small digression -- while I was reading this script, it occurred to me that a cool future form for Stockman might be in the body of a super-duper Mouser (kind of poetic justice!).

12.) Re: the following:

"Soon, the images and words come even faster as Stockman gives deranged :
The Mousers at Stockman’s old lab…Hun escorting Stockman from Shredder’s chambers…the Shredder…the Turtles…Bishop…Stockman scurrying as a spider…the Turtles again…Hun again.
SHREDDER (OC)
Failure!
HUN (OC)
Not my fault you screwed up!
TURTLES (OC)
Let’s kick some shell!"

The "Let's kick some shell" line for the Turtles in Stockman's hallucination seems weak and inconsistent with the lines from Hun and Shredder. I think we could find something different, something more personally pointed and insulting (to Stockman).

13.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Any sign of him?
YOUNG AGENT
Well, sir. A weapons cache has been ransacked.
Bishop turns to the young agent, his eyes hinting urgent concern.
YOUNG AGENT
And there’s something else, sir. One of our Black-Op choppers is missing. Has he gone AWOL, sir?
Bishop picks up one of the empty syringes.
BISHOP
No. He’s gone psychotic."

The "Well, sir." from the Young Agent seems stilted -- I would lose it. Also, the "Has he gone AWOL, sir?" question and Bishop's "No. He’s gone psychotic." lines are a not very successful attempt at snappy dialogue which also doesn't make much sense (even if he has also "gone psychotic", Stockman HAS gone AWOL). I think we could lose them.

14.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Where did GPS indicate he was heading?
YOUNG AGENT
New York City."

Minor point, but it is a little odd that they could tell he's going to NYC specifically -- unless he left a long time ago (long enough for one of those copters to be able to reach a point where it MIGHT be obvious that he is going to NYC). Perhaps the Young Agent could give a heading (in military jargon), and Bishop could nod knowingly and (predicting the likely destination) say "New York City".

15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
And I hooked up your Game-Box 3000. Honestly, Mikey, all ya had to do was plug it in!"

Don would say "you", not "ya".

16.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Yeah, ‘cept for a week. Ya think it has anything to do with that scratch you got on your leg from those outbreak slime-balls?
Don looks down at the bandage on his leg.
DONATELLO
Nah, I don’t think--"

Two things here. FIrst, Don would say "No" instead of "Nah". Second, I think that, Don being Don, he might at least admit to the possibility that his illness was related to the scratch... perhaps like this:

"Don looks down at the bandage on his leg.
DONATELLO
No, I don’t think... well... hmmm... maybe..."

17.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong! You ruined my work for the Shredder! You brought those Turtles into my life! Because of you my life has gone to pieces! Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces!
WIDE FROM BEHIND – Stockman is getting close to an empty lot where we can just make out BLACK-OP CHOPPPER on the ground.
STOCKMAN
And when we’re back at my lab, under the knife, you will!"

The phrasing here in the last line is odd (it implies that when they're back at his lab, they'll BOTH be under the knife), "under the knife" is somewhat redundant, and the use of the phrase "gone to pieces" followed shortly in the next line by "go to pieces" is awkward. Here's how I would fix this:

"STOCKMAN
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong! You ruined my work for the Shredder! You brought those Turtles into my life! Because of you my life has been torn apart! Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces!
WIDE FROM BEHIND – Stockman is getting close to an empty lot where we can just make out BLACK-OP CHOPPPER on the ground.
STOCKMAN
And when we’re back at my lab, you will!"

18.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN’S POV - we see a horde of MOUSERS crawling down the Chopper, then coming from underneath. They’re everywhere. "

I wonder if it might be fun to include in Stockman's hallucination a weird amalgam of Mouser and Shredder -- could look cool!

19.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON APRIL – she’s absolutely confounded. From her POV we watch STOCKMAN madly swatting away at thin air.
APRIL (OC)
He really is a psycho."

April's line here seems completely superfluous -- I'd lose it.

20.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles and Casey are standing next to the black-op chopper.
DONATELLO
I don’t get it. Their trail leads right to this Chopper but they’re not here.
LEONARDO
Maybe not, but I think we have a lot better chance of catching up with them now. Donny? How ‘bout a lift?"

The "I don't get it" line seems particularly thick-headed coming from Don. I mean -- what's not to get? They came to the chopper, and for some reason they left. DUH! Also, Leo's line doesn't seem to follow logically from Don's (the implication of Don's line being that the trail led up to the chopper, and stops dead... and if so, how is it that Leo could think having the chopper would help the Turtles "catch up to" Stockman and April? I mean, in which direction are they supposed to look?). However, we obviously know that there IS a trail AWAY from the chopper -- actually, TWO trails (April's and Stockman's). If we need any line here, maybe it should be as follows:

"The Turtles and Casey are standing next to the black-op chopper.
DONATELLO
Hmmm... Stockman's trail leads right to this Chopper... then two trails lead off in that direction.
LEONARDO
Meaning April got away from him -- at least for a while. And I think we have a lot better chance of catching up with them now. Donny? How about a lift?"

21.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Right, see if you can find some kinda rope ladder and I’ll try and get this bird low enough to lift her out! "

Don would say "kind of", not "kinda".

22.) Re: the following:

"INSIDE THE GONDOLA – Leo charges Stockman with his Katana. Right when he’s in reach, Stockman grabs for him, but Leo slides in between Stockman’s legs. He leaps up on the other side and delivers a kick to the back of his head. Stockman hardly budges but when he turns around we see that his jaw is slightly askew.
CLOSE ON LEO – disgusted.
LEONARDO
What the--?!"

After all of the weird stuff that Leo has seen and dealt with, I don't think this bit with Stockman's jaw would elicit more that a disgusted look from Leo. I would lose Leo's line here.

23.) Re: the following:

"Stockman takes out a syringe of the red compound and injects it then charges with his hands clenched over his head. Stockman’s fists crash down on Leo, dropping him to the floor. He then kicks him, sending him back and denting the back wall. "

I don't really see the point of Stockman injecting himself with anything here.

24.) Re: the following:

"CASEY (OC)
Now, April, hurry!
Stockman turns around to see a rope ladder down through the gondola hole and April climbing up it."

Would it be cooler/more exciting/more logical if, instead of just dangling the rope ladder from the helicopter, Casey is actually hanging on it so that he can grab April and help her?

25.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection tray! But if you’re going to play so hard to get, perhaps we’ll just begin the operation right now!"

Would "dissection table" make more sense than "dissection tray"? Also, I'm not crazy about the "play so hard to get" phrase and its connotations of flirtation/sex, inappropriate in this context. I would change it as follows:

"STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection table! But if you’re going to be so difficult, perhaps we’ll just begin the operation right now!"

26.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I can’t everything’s off-balance! I’m gonna have to recalibrate some of the instruments to stabilize her!"

This is bloated. I would change it as follows:

"DONATELLO
I have to recalibrate some of the instruments to stabilize it!"

27.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Miss me?!
Stockman climbs up and out of the hole again then peels the metal he originally tore off back into place.
STOCKMAN
Sorry about all the interruptions!"

Both of Stockman's lines here sound silly to me -- I'd lose them.

28.) Re: the following:

"As he’s walking Stockman shoots up with some more of his bright red compound and then charges into grapple with Hun."

Again, I don't see the point of Stockman "shooting up".

29.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ON APRIL – she’s just about to grab the ladder when .
APRIL
Aw, not again…"

April's line is just filler -- let's lose it.

30.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE – April and Stockman both just barely hang onto the gondola by way of two door handles.
STOCKMAN
Well, Ms. O’Neil, I guess there’ll be no dissection today! At least not until I recover you body from the East River! "

Stockman's lines make NO sense to me.

31.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (OC)
I gotcha!"

Leo would say "I have you!"

32.) Re: the following:

"MOMMA
You can still make it, baby doll! Don’t worry about me! Your daddy didn’t know what he was doing! Just get out of the house, baby doll. Go on now!
CLOSE ON STOCKMAN – he’s overwhelmed with concern. He’s got to save his mother!
STOCKMAN
Momma?! No! I won’t let Daddy hurt you! I won’t!
WIDE – Stockman grabs April’s arm and using his enhanced strength lifts her up to the rope ladder. She grabs on.
STOCKMAN
Hang on, Momma! Hang on!
ON THE TURTLES – they’re bewildered.
Stockman looks on adoringly at April as she climbs the ladder, followed by Leo, Raph and Mikey.
STOCKMAN
I love you, Momma! I love you!"

Ugh. Mess of more cliches. And this is disappointingly not very close to the "redemptive moment" that we discussed (using the "This Man, This Monster" Fantastic Four story as our example). In the FF story, the fake Thing made a conscious, sane decision to do one single last unselfish act (perhaps his only one EVER in a wasted life) when he realized Reed Richards was not the asshole that he had always imagined him to be... in fact, he was the total opposite (noble, self-sacrificing, etc.). Here, Baxter is hallucinating, so it doesn't really MEAN anything. It would only mean something if, for some reason, he suddenly came back to reality -- shocked back to it by the similarity of April's words to his mother's? -- and recognized that what he was doing was wrong.

33.) Re: the following:

"EXT. APRIL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Establishing shot of April’s building.
INT. APRIL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
WIDE - April, Casey, Leo, Mikey, Raph, are just getting in.
LEONARDO
Well, here you are, April! Safe and sound at home!
APRIL
Safe? Sound? First Karai stops by. Then Stockman. Who’s next, Hun? The Shredder?! I swear, I oughta move to a doorman building!
RAPHAEL
Don’t sweat it, April, we’ll stay with you the night if it’ll make you feel better!
Raph is just about to sit on the couch when Mikey jumps on it from behind and stretches out on it.
MICHAELANGELO
I call couch!
RAPHAEL
Mikey!
CLOSE ON APRIL – she’s smiles as we here Don ."

This seems a bit too casual and "flip" following such an intense and deadly adventure, especially April's lines. And didn't Stockman tear up her apartment when he attacked earlier? There's no mention of any damage in this scene.

-- Pete


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оригинальная запись в блоге

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All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.
14.12.2011, 18:20
palblog :: Blast from the Past #342: October 27, 2004: comments on Ep. 97 second draft :: 14.12.2011 18:17








Subj: comments on Ep. 97 second draft
Date: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 8:53:18 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd GOldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 97 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"ON BATTLE SHELL – out of the side, a row of GUN TURRETS pop out.
DONATELLO (OC)
Armor piercing side turrets!"

I think it would be better to say something like "Multi-function side cannons!", as "gun turrets" are just the holders for the guns, and not the guns themselves, and thus can't be considered "armor piercing. Also, "armor piercing" typically refers to the type of ammunition used in the gun, not the gun itself. Using the phrase "Multi-function side cannons" allows us bit more flexibility in the future if we want to give those weapons different functions (i.e. fire a tangle net, or smoke screen shells, etc.).

2.) Re: the following:

"ON DON – pressing another button.
ON BATTLE SHELL – lifting off the ground five feet.
DONATELLO (OC)
Turbo hydraulic elevated suspension."

This seems really silly to me.

3.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
When I first met you, I thought that we had something, Ms. O’Neil! A connection! But instead, you tore my life apart! Well, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! "

I really don't like this new "connection" business. The implication is that Stockman had some kind of "special feelings" for April, which has never been part of this story. I suggest going back to my original suggestion for this bit, as follows:

"STOCKMAN
Ever since I met you everything’s gone wrong! You ruined my work for the Shredder! You brought those Turtles into my life! Because of you my life has been torn apart! Well, Ms. O’Neil, now it’s your turn to go to pieces! "

4.) Re: the following:

"*EXT. STOCKTRONICS LAB – NYC - CONTINUOUS
The Battle Shell is parked out in front of the lab as the Don, Leo, Mikey, and Casey snoop around the entrance door.
DONATELLO
That’s strange, the door’s open, the lights are on, but they’re nowhere to be found.
RAPHAEL (OC)
Maybe not, but I found somethin’ else!
ON RAPH – looking at something in a dark alley way by the lab. Leo, Don, Mikey, and Casey ENTER PICTURE from behind.
CLOSE ON LEO hatching a plan.
LEONARDO
Hm. And I have a feeling this is gonna help us find them. Donny? How about a lift?
REVERSE – the BLACK-OP CHOPPPER is parked in a wide alley way."

I don't object to the inclusion of this new "visit to the old Stocktronics Lab building" bit, but something is needed here to indicate WHY Leo makes this leap to thinking that taking a ride in the helicopter is going to help them find April and Stockman. What leads him to this conclusion? (Especially if all the Turtles do here is "snoop around the entrance door" -- do they go INSIDE at all to look around???) For all they (and we) know, Stockman could have gone into another building, or be underground, or be in another vehicle.
Maybe Don could reason-- perhaps based on a quick look inside the cockpit -- that the chopper could have some tracking gizmos that might help them locate Stockman. This would help to explain why and how they are able to quickly find Stockman -- I mean, what other reason would they have to look in the direction of the Roosevelt Island Gondola Station?

5.) Re: the following:

"*But suddenly, the gondola begins to shake. Panicked, April takes a peak out the back window."

I think she actually takes a "peek", not a "peak".

6.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN’S POV - we see a chopper hovering overhead. Then, Mikey, Leo, and Raph repel down into the hole and in front of April."

I think they "rappel", not "repel".

7.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Right! Grab the drop-off ladder and I’ll try and get this bird low enough so you can lift her out! "

Don would not say "try and" -- he would use the grammatically correct "try to".

8.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Hey! That’s my chopper! "

This line seems totally un-Stockmanlike, kind of thuggy. It also seems to be totally unnecessary.

9.) Re: the following:

"Stockman grabs the bottom of the ladder and using his super strength, jerks it down, forcing the chopper to lower. It’s whirling blades suddenly with the gondola cables.
*CLOSE ON THE CABLES as one of the three .
*WIDE - the black op chopper veers out of control. Then the gondola jerks and falls aslant—all of it’s weight now resting on the two remaining cables."

There is just so much wrong about this bit. Unless Stockman is heavier than the chopper, and heavy enough to counteract its upward force, he wouldn't be able to grab the ladder and pull the chopper down. (He MIGHT be able to brace himself against a part of the gondola and do this.) And that must be one HELL of a strong ladder -- essentially bearing the weight of the whole helicopter without snapping! And why the heck is Stockman pulling it down on top of him -- that seems like a suicidal move. Not only that, but I don't think any helicopter rotor blades could withstand that kind of impact and still be operable.
This whole bit strikes me as kind of silly, and I would lose it. The whole point here is NOT that Stockman wants to get to the helicopter, but that he does something to damage it -- maybe he rips a piece of the gondola loose and throws it at the copter. In fact, his tearing off a piece of the gondola could be what makes it dangle more precariously.

10.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
That cable hit the stabilizer bar! I’m gonna have to recalibrate the instruments to get her steady again!"

Re: comment 9, I'd lose the "That cable hit the stabilizer bar!" line. And Don would not say "gonna" -- he'd say "going to".

11.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Don’t think you’ll get away that easy, Ms. O’Neil!
*WIDE – Stockman pulls April up onto the top of the gondola with him.
CLOSE ON STOCKMAN.
*STOCKMAN
You have a date with a dissection table! But if you’re going to be so difficult, perhaps we’ll just to tear you apart the old fashioned way!"

I would drop the line after "You have a date with a dissection table!" -- it's extraneous and doesn't make much sense. It might also be a good idea to think about WHY, other than pure sadism, Stockman would want to cut April to pieces -- maybe in his twisted mind, he thinks he can use parts of her to repair himself, a kind of "poetic justice" in his estimation.

12.) Re: the following:

"LOW ANGLE UP FROM INSIDE THE GONDOLA – Leo, Raph, and Mikey poke their heads over the hole to see him.
*MICHAELANGELO
Is he…dea--?!
*Suddenly Stockman flips up and leaps out of the hole on top the gondola roof.
*STOCKMAN
No, I’m not! But soon, you all will be!
*WIDE - Stockman grabs one of the two remaining cables, and uses his brute strength to it. The gondola and falls a bit further aslant as Stockman twirls the cable over his head like a lasso.
*STOCKMAN (CONT’D)
I’ll take us all out!
*WIDE ON TOP THE GONDOLA – Stockman is whipping the cable around in mid air like a lasso. He whips the steel cable at the Turtles. "

I would take out ALL the lines of dialogue in this bit, as they are weak and extraneous -- Stockman's line "I'll take us all out" being the most ridiculous and inappropriate, seeming to come from another script and character altogether.
Also, this "cable used as lasso" bit seems more than a bit silly, UNLESS Stockman is somehow able to snap off a SECTION of cable. Think about it -- these cables are stretched fairly tight, right? So if they are SNAPPED, they would not suddenly have lots of slack in them which would allow a super villain who is located AT THE POINT WHERE THE CABLE SPLIT to pick up one end and use the cable as a lasso.
Actually, the only way I could POSSIBLY see this working is if, during the fight, the gondola is still moving, which would allow Stockman to do this stunt. But the more I think about it, the more stupid it seems, so let's drop the lasso bit.

13.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE – through a rip in Stockman’s pant leg, we see a bolt inch out of Stockman’s knee with some green ooze dripping from it."

This "bolt" business is SOOOO silly. Let's lose it and just have April's jeopardy be that her grip on Stockman's leg is slipping.

14.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Yeah…just when it seemed he saw the light, too.
RAPHAEL
Well, I say good riddance! That psycho’s given us nothin’ but grief ever since we met ‘im.
ON DON – looking back from the pilot’s seat.
DONATELLO
I dunno, he did give us this chopper.
WIDE of the chopper flying away in the day breaking sky.
DONATELLO (OC)
Now if we can only find a place to park it.
APRIL (OC)
Well forget my apartment. First Karai stops by. Then Stockman. Who’s next? Hun? The Shredder? I’m staying with you guys, tonight!
DONATELLO
You got it, April. Next stop, Belvedere Castle!"

Several things here. First, Leo would not say "Yeah" -- he'd say "yes". Second, Don would not say "dunno" -- he'd say "don't know". Third, Stockman did not give the Turtles his chopper. Fourth, April's lines are somewhat silly (so she's NEVER going back to her apartment?!)... I would lose them all as well as Don's last line. Here's the way I would change this ending:

""LEONARDO
Yes …just when it seemed he saw the light, too.
RAPHAEL
Well, I say good riddance! That psycho’s given us nothin’ but grief ever since we met ‘im.
ON DON – looking back from the pilot’s seat.
DONATELLO
I don't know -- he did give us this chopper... sort of.
WIDE of the chopper flying away in the day breaking sky.
DONATELLO (OC)
Now if we can only find a place to park it!"


-- Pete


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оригинальная запись в блоге

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All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.
05.02.2012, 13:27

  Сообщение от костя д 

Ну и правильно а что он же не очень злой он помогал же черепахам ( иногда.)

Иногда это значит некогда
27.11.2013, 23:30
[QUOTE=Super Marvel;145514]Иногда это значит некогда[
Почему некогда , он им помогал в 5 сезоне в борьбе против Тенгу-Шреддера ив 7 сезоне протв КиберШредддера
12.07.2014, 21:56
Черепахомобиль номер два жесть. )) Донни явно было не до дизайна.
08.05.2015, 05:32
Сильный эпизод, достаточно глубоко раскрывающий личность Стокмана. Пожалуй один из самых жестоких,Всегда впечатляло насколько сильно сценаристы мультсериала развили по сути проходного злодея из оригинальной истории Истмена и Лерда. Дрдек явно перестарался с атмосферой и насилием в рамках мультсериала. В США эпизод вышел эксклюзивно на DVD и так и не был показан на телевидении. Успех очень неоднозначный надо отметить.
23.01.2016, 19:05
Вообще , если смотреть в данную картину еще более глубоко, то можно найти очень хороший ответ на тему , почему не стоит очеловечивать разного рода злодеев. Дальнейшее восприятие Бакстера стало более чем противоречивым, нежели ранее. Гениальный ученый-неудачник , с раздутым эго и умением интриговать против своего "хозяина" , практически "растворился" , подобно новому клон-телу.
Спасибо за пост (1) от: GeroVort
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