21.10.2011, 06:45
palblog :: August 24, 2004: comments on Ep. 90 first draft, and August 31, 2004: Re: TMNT - 91 1st draft :: 21.10.2011 06:39
Subj: comments on Ep. 90 first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 12:19:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments (not many) on Ep. 90 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"RAPHAEL (V.O.) CONT.
A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and hero’s and get free candy."
Minor point, but "hero's" should be spelled "heroes" here.
2.) Re: the following:
"They stop quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff) looking at the chaos all around them."
Another minor point -- I don't know why, exactly, but this line stopped me when I read it. I think it's probably because it has the whiff of "cartoon physics", and trying to visualize what this would look like, I think the Turtles would look really silly stopping "quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff)". I don't see the point of this specific direction -- I mean, they run out a building and stop short. Do we need more than that? Or maybe I'm being too literal.
3.) Re: the following:
"Just then, like a linebacker sacking a quarterback, Raphael rushes in from off screen tackling the large beasts around the waste."
That should be "waist", not "waste".
4.) There seems to be a comma deficit in this script, especially in lines of dialogue, but rather than waste time pointing out each example, I'll assume that the voice actors will know when to pause when they deliver their lines.
FYI, I haven't gotten anything new from 4Kids in the last few days.
-- Pete
Последний раз редактировалось Павел; 06.11.2012 в 12:16.
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