Полная версия сюжета на английском языке (под спойлером):
Просмотр ВК:



----------------------------------------------------------------------
Скачать (скачивание доступно с torrents и доступен он-лайн просмотр серии ВКонтакте. Ссылки доступны только для зарегистрированных пользователей, если вы еще не зарегистрированы - зарегистрируйтесь)

Серия-Очень понравилась.Авиане-Тоже очень нравятся!Рептор и Мифос-Двое,всегда воюющие Авиане.Эх...Правильно,над ними издевались,вот по этому Мифос и невыдержал наверно,перешёл на тёмную сторону..А,каким бы он был сильным героем,если бы не его злость!

Subj: comments on Ep. 85 premise
Date: Friday, July 2, 2004 10:20:14 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I must say that I sadly concur with your grim assessment of this one. Here are my comments on the Episode 85 premise.

1.) Re: the following:

"Below, the turtles are practicing, playing, sightseeing atop one of NYC taller skyscrapers.

Suddenly, a man plummets past them down the side of the building from above. (But from where?) Without thinking, the turtles spring into action. In an instant, Mikey grabs a cable they cut and dives over the side of the building after the falling man, tying it to his ankle.

He stream lines his body and catches up to the tumbling, unconscious man who isn’t as aerodynamic because the guy’s got wings! Mike grabs him and his brothers stop his descent and pull them up. "

This is a punchy opening -- unfortunately, it has the kind of silly "cartoon physics" that I hate. I think we can find a better way to introduce our Avian in trouble.
Actually, I just had the thought that if we want to keep this scenario (Raptarr falls out of the sky and Turtles rescue him), this might be a cool way to introduce a new flying TMNT vehicle which would, among other things, make this kind of rescue more believable, as well as give us a possible new toy. Hey! Isn't Playmates doing some "Air Ninja" figures (Turtles with individual flying/gliding harnesses)? I think we just signed off on what might be the final approvals for those, and something like that might work perfectly into this scenario.

2.) Re: the following:

"The winged man is badly beaten. He’s been in a shell of a fight. One wing is broken"

Unless he has some kind of super healing powers, with a BROKEN wing I doubt he'll be of much use in this episode's action. And why have a flying guy if he can't fly? Maybe a SPRAINED wing would work.

3.) Re: the following:

"Donatello pegs him as an Avian. The turtles know of his kind because of their recent encounter with the Y’lantians."

I can't recall -- did Don and the other Turtles actually SEE any Avians in that episode, or did they just HEAR about them? If the latter, I don't think Don would necessarily leap to that conclusion.

4.) Re: the following:

"At the test flight of Donny’s new wings we find out just how much Raph hates to fly."

This is new. I don't seem to recall Raph ever having this problem before, and in fact, if memory serves, he enjoyed the heck out of flying one of the Foot's "Razor Jets" in battle against them in one of the "Return to New York" episodes.

5.) Re: the following:

"However, as the turtles and Raptarr approach the flying city, it looks like the ready-for-battle Avians just might shoot them out of the sky. They lock their big guns on the incoming hostiles and prepare to fire."

I wonder if these "big guns" are also "technology but not machines", like the "technology" which floats and cloaks the Air City? Anyway, why do the Avians attack? Don't they recognize Raptarr?

6.) I should probably stop here and say I really don't like this episode premise in general and it's kind of pointless and a waste of time to make specific comments on how to fix something that I think doesn't deserve fixing.
A key element missing from this premise -- which you and I briefly talked about, Lloyd -- is the concept that Raptarr is a "superhero" in NYC, and as such has distanced himself from his Avian people, who frown on this kind of fraternization and involvement with the human world. I think there is a lot of gold to be mined in that idea, and could lead to a far more interesting story (and lay a better groundwork for future stories) than what we have presently in this premise.
My basic suggestion at this point is to use the idea outlined in my previous paragraph, lose all the stuff with Raptarr's wife and kid, and work on Mephos to make him a more interesting supervillain. Maybe HE is the real reason that Raptarr has risked the opprobrium of his people -- Mephos could be the "fallen angel" that we talked about, who was either thrown out of "Heaven" -- the Avian floating city -- or willingly sought power and wealth on the surface. Maybe he was even born with stunted wings or something, which led him to become embittered, and he seeks to establish a power base on the surface from which he can eventually mount an assault on the floating city.
Or perhaps when Mephos left the Avian city, he either lost -- or had taken away from him because of his misdeeds -- the natural Avian ability to see through the cloak which hides the Avian city, thus forever dooming him to exile... and maybe THIS is what he seeks -- a way to find the cloaked city again (either to return for revenge against a particular individual, or for conquest?).
In any event, SOMETHING has to be done to make this a more interesting tale.

-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Subj: notes on Ep. 85 outline
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:18:12 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my notes on Ep. 85 outline

1.) Re: the following:

" Against his peoples’ custom, Raptarr left the flying city to go down to surface; his main purpose was to keep an eye on Mephos. But, Raptarr found that he could not but help the humans; it was in his heart to be of service to those in need. "

I think it might be cool to establish that Raptarr takes on a kind of superhero identity in part as a way to disguise his origin and deflect curious minds from pursuing any connection from him back to his people. With this in mind he could in fact wear a superhero-type costume, perhaps something similar to what he wears in the TMNT comics.

2.) I know it's probably a budgetary/time thing, but I find the idea that Mephos and FIVE guards are enough to lay waste to the flying city in the manner described here. Perhaps it might be better to have them attack in a slightly more circumspect manner, perhaps using some amount of stealth.
Perhaps even more problematic is the reason for Mephos' attack -- what does he gain from destroying the flying city -- and even more to the point, what do those guards (who join him so quickly and conveniently -- perhaps TOO conveniently) stand to gain? Where do THEY go once the flying city is destroyed? It seems to me that perhaps something a bit more logical is in order -- maybe Mephos' plan is not to destroy the city, but to take it over and remake it under his direction.
I am somewhat concerned about how quickly and easily the guards fall in with Mephos and his plan -- are we to believe that for all this time these guards have been so bitter and disaffected while serving the flying city? And all it takes is for Mephos to show up again and they're on his side in an instant? Something doesn't quite parse there. Perhaps we could establish that Mephos has some kind of mind-controlling gizmo or power that helps him to force the guards to fight for him.

3.) The final fight aboard the flying city and its resolution -- Mephos' metal wings being melted by the Turtles somehow "refracting crystal energy" --- is way too cheesy for my tastes. I think either it needs to be reworked, or we need to rework Mephos' plan, or both.

4.) Re: the following:

"The turtles vow to help Raptarr stop Mephos. Donatello builds turtle wings and rigs a small Y’Lantian crystal (from the lair) to hone in of the flying city."

The way this is written, it seems like Don just -- on the spot -- whips up these "turtle wings". I hope that is just writer's shorthand, and in reality, these "turtle wings" are something he had been working on previously. Also, it seems a bit much that Don can use a crystal from the lair and duplicate the special qualities of Raptarr's "crystal diadem" which was stolen by Mephos -- I think it would be better if whatever he rigs up doesn't work perfectly and they almost crash into the flying city while using it (or something like that).

-- Pete

Subj: comments on Ep. 85 first draft
Date: Wednesday, July 28, 2004 1:27:30 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 85 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (V.O.)
I have watched over your world from on high for too long, never knowing what it was like to walk among men.

RAPTARR (V.O.)
But times have changed. The world of man encroaches into the heavens."

Raptarr's voiceover in the Preview seems a bit off. The use of "have" in the first line implies that up to this point (of this story), he hasn't had anything to do with the human world... which is not the character of Raptarr as I know it. I believe we set him up as someone who has been doing this for a while, even gaining recognition as a "superhero".
And I don't get this "world of man encroaches into the heavens" thing. What encroaching?

2.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE - Michelangelo runs onto a TV aerial and springboards off it to…"

That's one sturdy TV aerial.

3.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ANGLE – Mephos flies out over an alley, between buildings. One of Mephos wings sweeps Michelangelo off and he falls."

I don't understand how, if Mike is sitting on Mephos' shoulders with his legs wrapped around his head, one of Mephos' wings can "sweep" him off. How does that work?

4.) Re: the following:

"OTS RAPTARR – TRUCK IN as he catches up to the more amazed than fearful Michelangelo. The ground is coming up fast.
MICHELANGELO
Whoa, cooool!"

Mike's "Whoa, cooool!" line only makes ANY sense if Raptarr has caught (i.e. grabbed to stop his descent) him -- which is not immediately clear the way it is written (at least to me).

5.) Re: the following:

"UP ANGLE – That’s when one of Raptarr’s wings cinches up, and he looks like he’s in pain.
RAPTARR (CONT’D)

DOWN ANGLE – the birdman tries to control his decent with his good wing, but they end up spiraling down.
LOW ANGLE from alley – ask Mikey onto his back, and Raptarr lands hard beside him.
NEW ANGLE ON RAPTARR AND MICHELANGELO – Raptarr kneels over Michelangelo.
RAPTARR
(a little uncertain)
Are you… all right?"

This action seems a bit pointless, especially the bit about Raptarr's wing suddenly (and for no apparent reason) "cinching" (?!) up. Then when he crashes next to Mikey, he apparently is unhurt by the fall... so why bother with it? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have scene where characters fall and don't get hurt, but it seems that it would be better if there was a decent reason for it, even if it is -- for example (and I admit not a GREAT example) -- a little slapstick-type bit where they crash land in a Dumpster and climb out with banana peels and other garbage decorating them.

6.) Re: the following:

"LOW ANGLE - Raptarr sits up. He winces when he tries to spread his right wing and notices that it is SPLINTED AND BANDAGED.
DON
Your, uh, wing was sprained… so we splinted it."

Does it seem weird to anyone that the Turtles were able to diagnose a "sprained" wing while Raptarr was unconscious? Isn't a sprain the kind of thinkg you can only discern when the patient is AWAKE?
Then this is followed by this other goofy bit:

"NEW LOW ANGLE - Master Splinter suddenly leaps up on the back of the couch behind Raptarr and jabs him in the shoulder with the index and middle finger of each hand. Raptarr sits up in shock.
RAPTARR
Ahhh!
CLOSER – Splinter twists his fingers on the spots on Raptarr’s shoulder and back, then he pulls away.
WIDER – Splinter jumps down from the couch.
SPLINTER
That was ancient ninja remedy. Pressure points that will redirect the flow of chi to remove pain.
Raptarr stand up and stretches out his wing. He doesn’t wince."

Why is Splinter LEAPING? It makes no sense in context. And why is he talking like a stereotypical English-challenged Asian ("That was ancient ninja remedy")? But most of all, why bother with the splinting and bandaging if all Splinter has to do is poke Raptarr in the shoulder with his fingers and it's all better??!! Dopey.

7.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (OS)
This place, it’s of Y’Lantian design!"

(Note: is the correct spelling "Y'Lantian? That seems wrong somehow, and too close to "Atlantian" in pronunciation. WIthout checking back to past scripts, I think it is supposed to be "Y'Lyntian".) I think it is cool that Raptarr makes the connection between the lair and the Y'Lyntian culture. But... I thought that the lair itself is supposed to look like a HUMAN design -- and the Y'Lyntian part (the elevator to the surface) was originally HIDDEN (remember how Mikey found it by accident while pounding a spike in into the wall?). If you think about it, nothing about the lair (aside from that elevator) looks particularly alien or non-human. I think for the sake of logic and continuity, we should have Raptarr make the connection to Y'Lyntian culture because he sees the elevator -- maybe Mikey or one of the other Turtles arrives in it from some errand, and that's when Raptarr notices it.

8.) Re: the following:

"DON
Of course! You’re the race of bird men created by the Y’lantians."

I think this line would read better if we added "one of" as follows:

"DON
Of course! You’re one of the race of bird men created by the Y’lantians."

Actually, as I reread that now, should we have Don say something other than "bird men" to describe Raptarr's people? "Bird men" seems kind of juvenile (like something Mikey might say).

9.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
With these remnants they constructed a new crystal orb which was powerful enough to keep aloft a vast city…"

Reading this made me start thinking about how the Avians ended up with this flying city. It seems perhaps a bit much that they built it from scratch and made it fly after Y'Lyntias sank. What if it was originally the "pigeon coop", if you will, where the Avians lived while in thrall to the Y'Lyntians? I'm envisioning a floating aerie originally tethered (probably with less than a thousand feet of cable/chain) to the continent of Y'Lyntias, kept aloft by a small crystal. The rationale could be that the vain Y'Lyntians didn't want the home of their flying slaves in any way befouling their precious land, and so kept them in this "bird cage" away from the mainland of Y'Lyntias. The irony is that when the cataclysm came, and Y'Lyntias sank beneath the waves, it was this "bird cage" which saved the Avians, as, in a desperate two-pronged struggle, they severed the chain/cable (could be a cool visual) and also stole larger crystals to allow their home to go higher into the sky and become their floating city. (I envision that the Avians would have, over time, gradually enhanced/improved/enlarged their original "bird cage".)
It might also be cool to mention that they did not right away have the invisibility cloak for the city -- this was something that they developed in the centuries after they gained their freedom, having predicted (correctly) that at some point in the future humans would build flying machines. It could be neat if during that time that the Avians' flying city DIDN'T have the cloak, the sight of it in the skies, glimpsed by ancient humans on the ground, gave birth to certain legends.

10.) Re: the following:

"INT. COUNSEL/CRYSTAL CHAMBER – AVIAN CITY - DAY
HIGH DOWN ANGLE – three old Avians are perched on the perches around the crystal. MEPHOS (WITH REGULAR WINGS) stands before them with other MISC. AVIANS and Raptarr. "

This "perched on the perches" description makes me nervous -- the writer does know that the Avians are NOT birds, right?

11.) Re: the following:

"MED SHOT ON MEPHOS AN RAPTARR – Mephos pushes Raptarr back. At the last second, Raptarr spins them so Mephos hits spikes. TRUCK OUT as Mephos hangs from the spikes by his wings, screaming in anguish and anger.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AVIAN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – DAY
DOWN SHOT - Mephos (with only stubs for wings) falls AWAY FROM CAM down the tunnel to Earth, his face twisted, screaming.
RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
Mephos was beaten, his wings lost and he was exiled to the world below. But I felt he was not gone forever. "

This is all very murky. What exactly happened to Mephos' wings? Did they get torn off in the battle? Did the other Avians remove them as punishment? What about the other Avians who sided with Mephos -- were they punished similarly? And why is Mephos shown FALLING to Earth with no wings -- wouldn't that likely kill him? I think it probably makes sense that both Mephos and his allies would be punished and exiled -- wingless -- to the surface. It might also then be cool if Mephos was the only one of this group to survive exile, mainly due to the inner strength fueled by his hatred of the Avians who cast him out.
Also, I need to get a handle on WHEN this all happened. How long-lived are the Avians? Did this happen millennia/centuries/decades ago?

12.) Unrelated to this script, but perhaps germane if we ever return to the Avians and their floating city -- I was thinking it might be cool if over the years of human flight, some unlucky humans had blundered into/crashed into the flying city, and -- for security reasons -- never been allowed to leave. It might be fun to tell a kind of "Bermuda Triangle" story using this idea.

13.) Not that EVERYTHING in this series has to be connected, but... would it be a cool thing if somehow Bishop (or Stockman, or Malignus) was involved in the backstory of how Mephos got his new metal robo-wings? Not that we need to go into it in detail in this episode, but if we wanted this connection, it might be fun to drop a hint about it.

14.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR
But as long as he doesn’t have a crystal diadem.
RAPH
What’s a diadem?
DONATELLO leans over and half whispers to Raph.
DONATELLO
Uhm, would that be the thing Mephos grabbed off your head after he knocked you out?
RAPTARR reaches up and panics when he realizes it’s gone.
RAPTARR
No! "

This feels wrong on several levels. Raph seems like a dope with his question. And if Don is half-whispering to Raph, why is he saying "the thing Mephos grabbed off your head"? Mephos didn't grab anything off Raph's head. This feels like a silly/stupid attempt at humor which just falls flat. Why not just have Don speak directly to Raptarr, referencing the diadem that Mephos took during the fight? Actually, wouldn't Mephos realize as he's speaking about it that the diadem is no longer on his head? Maybe this whole goofy exchange is unnecessary. I wouldn't miss it if it were removed.

15.) Re: the following:

"REVERSE ANGLE – Mephos flies through the center of the tunnel TOWARD CAMERA. PULL BACK."

"SCREECHING METAL WINGS"...? What's up with that? What''s causing them to screech? Or is this just a Mephos-specific "flying sound" that the writer is suggesting, and not the result of some action (i.e. the metal wings actually scraping on the tunnel walls)?

16.) Re: the following:

"WIDE OTS MEPHOS - As Guards descend Mephos beats his wings, generating a hurricane wind that blows the Avians backwards."

Stupid cartoon physics. How can Mephos generate a "hurricane wind " that doesn't blow HIM back too? ("Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.")

17.) Re: the following:

"MEPHOS
Join me and we will create a new Avian! Oppose me and perish!
LOW ANGLE ON GUARDS – PAN as some kneel and bow to Mephos to the surprise
Mephos smiles wickedly."

"A new Avian"...? What does that mean?
Also, these guards aren't much if they turn on their rightful rulers just because of this fight. This was a weak point in the premise and it's STILL weak.

18.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Mikey and Don horror stricken. Leo and Raph grim. Raptarr looking mad as hell."

"Horror stricken"...? Seems a bit much.

19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
We’re too late.
RAPTARR
Maybe not.
WIDER - Raptarr looks up.
RAPTARR (CONT’D)
Come! He’s heading for the Crystal Chamber!"

Couple of goofy things: Why does "horror stricken" Don say they're too late? Just because they see some guards trussed up? Seems to be jumping to conclusions. And how does Raptarr KNOW that Mephos is "heading for the Crystal Chamber"? Or is this just a guess on his part?

20.) Re: the following:

"OLD AVIAN’S POV – TRUCK IN ON DOUBLE DOORS - (BEAT) Mephos wing tips pierce each side of the double doors. The doors are off, revealing Mephos, and hurled back behind him by his metal wings."

I suspect the writer has recently seen the second Spider-Man movie and liked the way Doc Ock's tentacles could do all these sorts of things. But somehow I don't see Mephos' metal WINGS having the same kind of power, i.e. to tear huge metal doors off their hinges.

21.) Re: the following:

"BACK ON MICHELANGELO AND RAPH - looking smug… until the slack is taken up on their lines and the two turtles are hoisted up OS with looks of surprise. CAM ADJUST to Leo and Don.
DON
Are we going to let them have all the fun?
Leo and Don launch themselves, flying up OS."

Does it make any sense that -- if the Turtles are still wearing their flying rigs, as is made evident here -- that Mike and Raph would be "hoisted up OS with looks of surprise"? If they're still wearing and using the flying rigs, wouldn't it make MORE sense that they are fighting the Avians while in the air?
I have to say that I'd rather the Turtles DON'T use their flying rigs during this fight (I mean, how good could they be in them if this is really their first time using them?), and in fact prefer that they (temporarily) ditch them so that they are not encumbered and can fight as true ninja.

22.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON UNCONSCIOUS GUARDSMEN BELOW – They awaken from their ninja induced naps."

Let's see -- it's been, like, what -- about a minute since they were "ninja pinched" into unconsciousness? Not a very effective ninja move, then.

23.) Re: the following:

"GUARDSMAN #1
Will you surrender creature?
MICHELANGELO
Let me answer that question with a head butt."

REALLY stupid dialogue.

24.) Re: the following:

"Raptarr grabs Mephos in the gut with his elbow."

Wow... elbows that GRAB? These Avians are cool!

25.) Re: the following:

"WIDE UP ANGLE - …sweeping Raptarr up with one of his wings and hurling hard at the domed ceiling. TRUCK IN as Raptarr breaks through the ceiling.
EXT. CRYSTAL CHAMBER TOWER – DAY
DOWN ANGLE – as Raptarr’s limp body breaks through the ceiling, tumbles up through the air. But he recovers, beating his wings to stabilize himself."

Hmm... didn't I see a scene nearly exactly like this in Spider-Man 2, when Doc Ock hurls Spidey through a window in his dockside lair?

26.) Re: the following:

"ON SECTION OF DOME WITH DAGGERS IN IT - Cracks form rapidly, and debris falls. Suddenly a fifteen foot section of the ceiling caves in and falls OS.
DOWNSHOT – the ceiling falls straight down, near the wall.
BACK ON RAPTARR – a look of panic comes over him.
WIDE ANGLE – pan with the falling piece of ceiling. ZIP PAN DOWN to see that it’s going to drop on Raptarr’s father.
ON TURTLES – still fighting guardsmen. They see the danger, too.
DOWNSHOT – the ceiling continues to fall straight down, near the wall. "

Wait a minute -- isn't this the same dome that, apparently from the previous scene, you can be hurled through without being harmed? Why then is anyone worried about pieces of it falling on them? It can't be that substantial.

27.) Re: the following:

"ON RAPTARR – He strains to stand up, pushing off the piece of ceiling pinning him. He rises out of frame.
RAPTARR
"

And yet another bit lifted right out of Spider-Man 2...!

28.) Re: the following:

"PAN WITH MICHELANGELO – as he rockets in past Raptarr and catching Mephos off guard tackles him.
MICHELANGELO
Waa-hooo! Just like catchin’ some air. "

Mike's line is inane.

29.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ANGLE - Mephos removes two feather daggers from his wings and stabs them into Michelangelo’s back. They only go in a quarter of the way.
MICHELANGELO
Yaarrh!"

Hmm... the daggers only go in a "quarter of the way". What, exactly, does that mean? A quarter of their length... or a quarter of the way through Mike's shell? And, if the latter, why does Mike go "Yaarh!" -- which I take to be a pain response? It's just his shell, after all.

30.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
So, what are we standing here for? Let’s go kick some stuffing into that turkey. "

Now it's Raph's turn for an inane line.

31.) Re: the following:

"Mephos beats his wings and the heroes are buffeted down OS by a hurricane wind."

The "hurricane wind" thing is STILL stupid.

32.) Re: the following:

"They crouch behind some ruble."

That is some GIGANTIC Russian coin! (Sorry... couldn't resist.)

33.) The denouement of this fight is ridiculous, as we are asked to buy that somehow, Don is capable of manipulating this crystal gizmo WHICH HE HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE in a way which SPECIFICALLY takes down Mephos. Then the bit with Mephos waking up in his cell with the section of wall still welded to his wings is just LAME.

34.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE - Leo squats at the end of a long platform perch extending from one of the highest towers in the city.
NEW ANGLE - Michelangelo plunks down beside him, legs swinging over the edge.
MICHELANGELO
What up, Bro?
LEO
Just thinking.
MICHELANGELO
‘Bout what?
LEO
What if I can’t cut it anymore?
MIKEY
What?
LEO
Leading. Fighting. Winning… Everything.
MIKEY
You can’t let that control you. Leo, we’ve gone through some pretty rough times together, faced some scary stuff.
LEO
That we have.
MIKEY
Okay, okay. But when I’m up against the bad guys and I’m freakin’ out, I think, “What would Leo do?” (long beat) You’re my hero, bro.
Leo doesn’t respond. Mikey continues to stare at him. Leo gives a slight smile.
ON LEO AND MICHELANGELO – at the end of the parapet – PULL BACK TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE TOWERS – as Raptarr, Raph and Don walk up behind them."

What the f--?! Where did all THIS come from? Why is Leo doing this soul-searching right here, right now? What a BAD ending.


-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Subj: notes on Ep. 85 second draft
Date: Monday, August 2, 2004 12:28:57 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 85 second draft.

1.) Here's something from my first set of comments which still, unfortunately, applies to this draft of the script:

"Then this is followed by this other goofy bit:

"NEW LOW ANGLE - Master Splinter suddenly leaps up on the back of the couch behind Raptarr and jabs him in the shoulder with the index and middle finger of each hand. Raptarr sits up in shock.
RAPTARR
Ahhh!
CLOSER – Splinter twists his fingers on the spots on Raptarr’s shoulder and back, then he pulls away.
WIDER – Splinter jumps down from the couch.
SPLINTER
That was ancient ninja remedy. Pressure points that will redirect the flow of chi to remove pain.
Raptarr stand up and stretches out his wing. He doesn’t wince."

Why is Splinter LEAPING? It makes no sense in context. And why is he talking like a stereotypical English-challenged Asian ("That was ancient ninja remedy")? But most of all, why bother with the splinting and bandaging if all Splinter has to do is poke Raptarr in the shoulder with his fingers and it's all better??!! Dopey."

2.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR
Wait. This place! It is of Y’lantian design. Are you Y’lantian creations?
*WIDER ANGLE – to include turtles and Splinter.
*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated. We found this place … and made it our home. But you … you’re an Avian?
*RAPTARR
Yes. My name is Raptarr, an Avian created by the Y’lantians."

Don's line "But you... you're an Avian?" makes a couple of leaps that I think are made too quickly here, and Raptarr's response is too flat (and literally WRONG, unless we are saying that Raptarr is one of the ORIGINAL Avians, which doesn't seem right). And I was right about the spelling -- it is Y'Lyntian, NOT Y'Lantian (see Ep. 68).I think something like this would work better:

"*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated. We found this place … and made it our home. But... how do you know about the Y'Lyntians?
*RAPTARR
My name is Raptarr. I am an Avian -- and long ago, the Y'Lyntians created my people."

3.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
When we gained our freedom, my ancestors took shards of the Y’lantians’ crystal.
INT. AVIAN CRYSTAL CHAMBER – AVIAN CITY - DAY
CLOSE ON - LARGE GLOWING CRYSTAL ORB made from crystal shards. PULL BACK AT DOWNWARD ANGLE - the orb hovers between three twenty-foot tall, wing-shaped arcs, with tall obelisk perches sit between them. NINE ENERGY BEAMS shoot from the orb into the arcs. WIDEN - This set up is inside a large circular chamber (with decorative wall) with a domed roof with a hole in the top to let in the sun and huge arched doors.
*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
With these remnants they constructed a new crystal orb, powerful enough to keep aloft the magnificent city they built…
EXT. BLUE SKY WITH FLUFFY WHITE CLOUDS - DAY
*UP ANGLE – Clouds in the FG part to reveal the floating AVIAN CITY, A CLUSTER OF MAGNIFICENT TOWERS AND SKYWALKS BUILT AROUND A RING, A HALF-SPHERE, AND WITH A ENTRANCE TUNNEL THROUGH THE BOTTOM. Avians fly around it and into the city. "

There's something odd to me about this scenario. The way it is presented here, the Avians seemingly took pieces of the crystal and flew away from sinking Y'Lyntias... and then some time later they built their floating city. It strikes me that unless they already HAD some kind of floating living area to begin with (as I suggested in my last set of notes) and on which to build, it would be very odd for them to get this idea to build a city in the clouds. Wouldn't it make more sense that they would try to find the high places in the mountains or great forests, and make their "nests" there? I'm having a hard time trying to envision HOW the Avians made their cloud city -- did they build it on the ground, and then install the crystal and made it float? Seems unlikely. Did they build it AROUND the crystal as it hovered in the air, hauling pieces of stone up from the surface? Seems REALLY unlikely. It seems a lot more likely (at least to me) that they originally lived in some kind of floating environment and when they broke from Y'Lyntias, that environment served as the basis for what became over time their magnificent floating city.

4.) Sorry to repeat myself, but because the section of the script in question shows no changes, here is what I said last time:

"Re: the following:

"MED SHOT ON MEPHOS AN RAPTARR – Mephos pushes Raptarr back. At the last second, Raptarr spins them so Mephos hits spikes. TRUCK OUT as Mephos hangs from the spikes by his wings, screaming in anguish and anger.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AVIAN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – DAY
DOWN SHOT - Mephos (with only stubs for wings) falls AWAY FROM CAM down the tunnel to Earth, his face twisted, screaming.
RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
Mephos was beaten, his wings lost and he was exiled to the world below. But I felt he was not gone forever. "

This is all very murky. What exactly happened to Mephos' wings? Did they get torn off in the battle? Did the other Avians remove them as punishment? What about the other Avians who sided with Mephos -- were they punished similarly? And why is Mephos shown FALLING to Earth with no wings -- wouldn't that likely kill him? I think it probably makes sense that both Mephos and his allies would be punished and exiled -- wingless -- to the surface. It might also then be cool if Mephos was the only one of this group to survive exile, mainly due to the inner strength fueled by his hatred of the Avians who cast him out.
Also, I need to get a handle on WHEN this all happened. How long-lived are the Avians? Did this happen millennia/centuries/decades ago?"

5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
We will be incinerated by the city’s force shield."

"Force shield"??? Where did that come from? I don't recall that from any past discussions. And it's not even necessary, and kind of goes against the whole idea behind the diadems, which is that they give you the power to SEE the floating city. How about the following change:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
If they do not work, we will not be able to see the city -- and we will either fly right BY it... or crash right INTO it at flying speed."

6.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Mikey and Don horror stricken. Leo and Raph grim. Raptarr looking mad as hell."

Once more -- "Horror stricken"...? Seems a bit much.

7.) Re: the following:

"*OLD AVIAN’S POV – TRUCK IN ON DOUBLE DOORS - (BEAT) Mephos wing tips pierce each side of the double doors. The doors are off and hurled back behind him by his metal wings, revealing Mephos and five Avian guards."

This is still in the script and it's STILL lame. If Mephos' wings have THAT kind of power, he should have little problem wiping the floor with Raptarr.

8.) Re: the following:

"Mephos starts to beat his wings creating tremendous inside the chamber.
ANGLE ON LEO AND RAPH – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind, they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
MED ON RAPTARR – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind he tumbles through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beam.
DOWN ANGLE ON MIKE AND DON – buffeted by the hurricane wind they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
WIDE ANGLE – as the beams burn and blast the walls and the heroes are tossed in the hurricane winds."

So we get rid of the goofy "hurricane winds" bit from earlier in the script -- only to have it reappear in quadruplicate here? Oh my god...

9.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.
MEPHOS
Nooooooooooooooooo!
…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall. His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall. "

This is STILL in the script, and it's STILL idiotic. We are asked to believe that the other Avians would, rather than simply cut Mephos' melted metal wings off of his body and throw him in the prison, they actually CUT OUT A WHOLE SECTION OF THE CHAMBER WALL AND THROW THAT IN PRISON! The mind boggles...

-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Subj: comments on Ep. 85 "final" draft
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 11:57:27 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 85 "final" draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR
What of the memory crystal?
Blank stares from the turtles.
ON – RAPTARR moves towards a wall. He runs his fingers along some different Y’Lyntian designs …
RAPTARR
Let us see … here …
… as Raptarr’s hand passes over some of the designs they start to GLOW and slightly and then …
WIDER ON ROOM – A part of the ceiling over the pool starts to GLOW and and…
CLOSER UP ANGLE ON – The GLOWING PART of the ceiling and lowers directly down (towards CAMERA) and …
WIDER AS – A large crystal lowers out of the ceiling over the pool. Around its base, several smaller crystals project/jut out.
RAPTARR flies over and looks at them … he runs a hand along the crystals.
RAPTARR
Perfect. These will do."

I like this bit, with the implication that Raptarr, with his Avian/Y'Lyntian heritage, knows more about the crystals -- and, in this instance, the lair -- than the Turtles do. But the fact that there is NO reaction from the Turtles to this move on Raptarr's part is kind of strange. I would think that a "Whoa!" or "How'd you do that?" from one or more of them would be appropriate. In fact, Don might say something like "I thought I searched (or scanned) the whole lair from top to bottom for crystals... how -- ?" And Raptarr could give a little shrug and say something like "It's... an Avian (or Y'Lyntian) thing."

2.) Re: the following:

"MEPHOS
Excellent. I am getting the hang of this. Now, to destroy one of the surface crawler’s cities … let’s say Beijing."

Two things -- "getting the hang of this" (aside from being somewhat superfluous) seems like too slangy a phrase for Mephos... and do we have something against Beijing?! Didn't we torture that poor city enough in the Triceraton invasion arc? Maybe we should pick another city.

3.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.
MEPHOS
Nooooooooooooooooo!
…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall. His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall. "

It's astonishing to me that this ludicrous bit has survived through so many drafts. Please, per my earlier comments/suggestions, change or remove it. I think it would be enough that Mephos lose his wings again for him to be horrified by his fate.

4.) Much improved, overall, though there are a few things to (easily) tweak still.

-- Pete


------------------------------------------------------------

оригинальная запись в блоге

------------------------------------------------------------

All TMNT-related images © Mirage Studios unless otherwise noted. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® is a registered trademark of Mirage Studios; all rights reserved.

Мне интересно,я один заметил , что в песне черепашек (перед самой серией) , там где Шредер должен говорить : "Пусть трепещет враг.." , стоя черепашки и Майки со шлемом Шредера???!!!

  

Мне интересно,я один заметил , что в песне черепашек (перед самой серией) , там где Шредер должен говорить : "Пусть трепещет враг.." , стоя черепашки и Майки со шлемом Шредера???!!!

Это не прикол и не пасхалка, а всего лишь новая заставка на 9 серий, начиная с этой и заканчивая серией "Наследник Шреддера".

Слушайте, а почему у нас название в заголовке темы расходится с названием в содержании?

  

Слушайте, а почему у нас название в заголовке темы расходится с названием в содержании?

"Wing and a Prayer" - верное название, а "Space Invaders" - это название первых трёх серий третьего сезона. Не помешало бы исправить.

Серия для меня просто ужас

Мне очень понравился момент когда Лео и Раф одновременно говорят:"Может стоит вырубить обоих!" А Майк:"Нет, одного агрессивного брата хватало!"

Авиа-черепахи тут круты!

Ещё одна серия рассказывающая нам о том, что случилось с рабами илинтиан после катастрофы. И она тоже пришлась мне по душе. Понравился новый персонаж - Раптарр. Мифос также был не плох, но жаль, что он оказался злодеем. В связке с Раптарром они были бы большой силой (свои фантазии : D). Впечатлил город Авиан и летающие ранцы Донателло). Да и концовка серии не подкачала.
Ставлю 5

Надеюсь, юзать тему "Атлантиды" под Нью-Йорком больше не будут в дальнейшем. Она начинает быть назойливой, хотя первые несколько очень хороши. А так же включение супер-героев второго плана хоть и кажется ключевой фишкой TMNT, но тоже задает некое однообразие. У 2003-х оно почему-то начинает бросаться в глаза из-за общего весьма высокого уровня качества, хотя у классики есть свои недомоменты. И тем не менее в зрелищности эпизоду не откажешь, хотя не покидает ощущение, что сам сюжет сделан только ради демонстрации черепашьих полетов. Быстро братья научились отлично драться на лету. Либо авианцы драться не умеют от слова совсем, потому что их при всех способностях отшлепали, как цыплят задней левой прямо в тестовом полете, даже толком не ознакомившись с потенциалом оборудования и приемами боя в новых, далеко не привычных условиях. Зверь обоснуй сдох в запретном лесу, но сие для 2003 скорее редкость. O_o